This fatwah is hereby issued by the genuine Leopard Skin Divan (in plenary session levitating above the Invisible Hellhole of Rochester NY, birthplace of modern Spiritualismus) in cooperation with the Imperial Hell-Drivers (selah) and the Canadian Board of Consistent Uniformity, and the aggregate body of all Moors, departed, still waiting or disappointed in love. Dry clean only.

And — did we mention the 99 Most Funkiest Names of Allah?

In the name of Allah, none durst!

Listing, hereunder, the names, appellations, arrogant earthly titles, handles and spiffy monikers, of those potentates issuing this Fatwah:

(The impatient and spiritually immature may skip ahead.)

Ali Hossein Abu’l Jihad As-Selah, Sublime Janitor of the Dagon Temple of Providence, AKA Walid Walid, Unwaller of the Unwalled City, sometime editor of the Moorish Science Monitor, and Power-Crazed Tin God.

Ustaz Thommy 3X, Supreme High-Tension Pontiff of Zig-Zig-Ziggurat and sometime editor of the Moorish Science Monitor and Power Crazed God-Nozzle.

Fatimah Badjeer, Grand High Ladle of the Betty Crocker Cultus.

Ellen Haines, aka Earlene Hunes aka Aileene Heinz aka Lurlene Hunts aka Ilene Hines aka Elaine Hanss.

THE FATWAH PROPER

Hello.

The millennium has arrived and, emerging from our spiritual stupor, we have at length noticed the religious malaise, decrepitude and general ickiness which has so long been the proud hallmark of Moordom.

Yet all is not well.

1) The TAZ has been reduced to an acronym all too easily confused with a tiny candy pellet that emerges from the throat of a plastic dispenser.

2) The gay hippy problem. See # 4 below.

3) The xerox revolution of the 80s came and went without gaining us any mainstream media attention worth mentioning, while the computer revolution remains in its infancy even as we veer towards senility.

4) It has been alleged that the MOC is nothing but a Church of the Subgenius for gay hippies—an observation which pains us—because it is true. Nonetheless, we are not too pained to deny it, which solves this problem at least.

5) The trouble with all the young Moors — so unlike the young Turks — or all the young Dudes — who aren’t paying us big bucks to come and speak at their internet ashrams or whatever the hell they’re called — you nauseatingly earnest half-wits.

6) Gay Hippy problem. See 2 & 4 above.

7) Poor representation of Canadian writers and visual artists in the Moorish media.

NECESSARY MEASURES OF REDRESS

1) In classic anarchist fashion, we excommunicate anyone who does not immediately comply with our clear directives. We require:

2) The destruction of all unacceptable things.

3) Reinstitution of the full and retroactively applicable Zakat (Tithe) for the maintenance of MOC hierarchs in the manner for which they pine as they flip through catalogs and lifestyle magazines. See our 2005 Zakat Guide for rates, strictures, and very tiny type.

4) Issuance of an Eddie Bauer edition of the Circle Seven Koran, bound in Morocco leather, with compass that self-orients towards the true Kaaba, as well as a self-cleaning travel Siwah (tooth-stick). The Koran is to be printed in facing page American and Canadian English.

5) Purification of the Faith, starting with a light sanding, ending with daily ipecac for the faithful, coffee enemas, wine enemas, and maple syrup enemas (slow, but effective).

6) Reclassification of Canadian Bacon as no longer a pork product, and consequently Hallal.

7) Recognition of Saskatoon as the true and original Mecca to which prayer should be directed.

8) Denunciation of all Moorish publications that do not feature our poetry, on charges of "incunabulating with the enemy."

Realizing that these measures could constitute an intolerable hardship for many of the faithful, we express our tepid sympathy by ejaculating a limp "There, there."

Blessings, Benedictions and Salaams, you bunch of hosers.

By our hands this day in the City of Rochester, NY.

Eh?